I can be pretty stubborn when something I feel passionate about is at stake. I remember many moments in my life when I had something I really loved and wanted more than anything but knew deep down inside that it wasn't meant to be and I would lose it.
I can still remember how gut wrenching it was in the clarity of that moment in which I knew inexplicably that I could fight with all the energy I had and I would still lose it. Those moments were always a mix of bitter hate, denial, anger and sadness. I felt hate because I thought I held something so special and precious and yet I knew I was about to lose it. I felt denial because a part of me believed that there had to be some way to work it out because my intuition could be wrong. I felt anger because it seemed unfair and that it was always happening to me and because I was always helpless to stop it. I felt sadness because I thought I knew that I would never feel whole again.
Intuition is my enemy because it always pits itself against my innermost desires. It seems that every time I find what I think is happiness it rears it's ugly head to prove me wrong. It's like that bully in a highschool movie that waits for you to feel safe in your success and then humiliates you in front of the entire school. That is what intuition has been for me.
One lesson I have learned in life is that experiences come to you in the exact moment you need them. They come to you at a time when you are open to the lesson that they will teach. My lessons lately have come through the book Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett and the TV show Being Erika.
I know that if I had picked up Pillars of the Earth at any other time in my past I would not have gotten out of it the same thing as I am now. In this book the protaganists face so much unfairness and brutality at the hand of evil men who abuse power.
The character of Prior Philip in the book is a man with high moral ideals and a complete trust in God. He does everything with God in mind. He believes that if he is to do something that God approves of then God will help him achieve it. If the endeavor falls to pieces than God did not will it and he should redirect his efforts.
He has such complete faith that God will provide for him and his people even when the most horrible of circumstances befall his parish. No matter what happens his faith is not shaken.
The lesson I take from this story is that God's plan for my life is not the plan that I want and therefore I will continue to fail until I align my goals with his plan. My problem lies in my inability to accept what I believe his plan for me to be. I guess that means I don't have any faith.
By definition faith is believing in something even though you have no proof that you are correct in your belief. Uncertainty has always been my problem. I do not cope with it well. I worry until something is certain.
For instances I hate thrillers. I can't stand not knowing what will happen. I have no problem watching a thriller a second time because I already know what will happen to the characters. If I knew that 5 years down the line that everything I'm worrying about in my life right now would have worked itself out and that I was happy, nothing would be bothering me now. Being Erika is about a 32 year old single woman who believes the secret to her messed up life lies in the mistakes of her past. She gets the opportunity to relive all her biggest regrets and put them the way she thinks they should have been.
What I have thoroughly enjoyed about Being Erika is how even when she sets things 'right' she discovers her life does not turn out perfect as she thought it would. It serves to remind me that without the experiences I have had in my life I would not be the person I am today. So as Dr. Tom said in Being Erika "you are exactly where you are meant to be at this moment in your life."
So this makes me wonder why is it that God wants me to be single and miserable at 32?
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